I want to quit

Some days, I leave school and I don’t want to come back.

Not because I hate teaching
Not because I hate my students
Not because I hate my coworkers

But because right now, all of it…..is really hard. 

For some reason, everything seems impossible, another mountain to climb, another obstacle to overcome.  And I am so weak. And I feel so alone in all of it. (I know that I am not, but it certainly feels like that.) Every day I wake up and I am faced with the reality that I have to get out of bed and do it all again.  I sometimes put off going to bed because I know I will have to get up in the morning.

Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, because my life is a little crazy with grad school and the other myriad of things I have committed myself to.

And I am so weak.  And I don’t have the strength.
I am and I don’t.

Thank goodness for Jesus.  Thank goodness that he lived the perfect life so I don’t have to.  Thank goodness that his blood covers all of my weakness and failings. Rom 5:8..”but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

You know what reminded me of that.  My students….the ones that I had 4 years ago, when I was fresh out of college and was just trying to survive, but in a different way. I went to a high school football game and I was reminded that God does things even though I fail completely. 

The attack hugs, the shout outs, the smiles….they reminded me that God might have used me in a ways that I can’t even comprehend. 

I left the game with a happy heart and a grin, because these students who couldn’t remember to bring paper and pencil to class, the ones that talked when I didn’t want them to, and failed to do their homework, were marching in a band, photographing the game, leading cheers, and scoring touchdowns. 

They are on the precipice of life and it is amazing to watch. 

So….I will go back on Monday, because I am weak and I don’t have the strength, but I serve the God who does and who will work in the gaps of where I fail.

 ” My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:26

An Update on my life!

It has been a little while since I updated, but I thought I would give you a run down of these last couple of weeks.

1. School started up!

I have a new group of 7th graders. It has been a lot of fun getting to know them. They are definitely drastically different than the group before them. So far so good this year. I am enjoy getting to hang out with them everyday and I can tell this is going to be a fun year. (Someone remind me of this later please!)

However, with going back to school comes the extra activities and meetings. We had back to school night so we could meet parents. It was a super long day and I was exhausted already!

2. Another wedding!

My cousin got married last weekend in Lincoln, NE. Because of the flooding along I-29 I had to take the back roads which took me 4 hours and I had to leave right after school on friday. It was a fun weekend to see family and some old friends. Turns out the couple and I have a lot of mutual friends. She was beautiful and so happy!

(Sadly, I forgot to take pictures at all during my time there. But I did manage to get some sweet pics from the drive home!)

3. I ran a 10K race!

I had to leave the reception early to drive back to KC on Saturday night so I could run on Sunday morning. Lets just say I made quite a few stops in order that I would stay awake!

The race went really well actually. I ran a personal best of 1:04:19 and I got my first running medal ever! It was a beautiful morning and as exhausted as I was it was fun. I am sure if I was running with some other people it might have been more fun. It wasn’t too bad really. The only part of the race that I had trouble with was a .5 mile incline up into Westport, after that it was a breeze.

(Again, since I was alone, there was no one to take a picture of me! Sad day!)

4. I am now a student again!

I started my classes for my ESL certification! It really isn’t that weird being back in school, mostly because I have had several chances to take classes through my district in the last 2 years. However, I am taking 2 classes this semester and last weekend I had to finish a 5 page reflection paper, a how bunch of reading and some discussion board posts by midnight.

It is fun though getting new books and writing papers again. Just a little bit.

And I leave you with a picture of one of my favorite people ever! (He is going to be a big brother soon!)

Emotional Rollercoaster

School started again. That means several things for my life.

– Exhaustion

– A sore throat

– The constant feeling that I need to be doing something

This last week was the first week of school. Going into the week, I wasn’t so sure that I was ready for it. Over the weekend, I was dealing with a lot of emotions and heart issues. I was already drained before the kids got there.

These last two weeks, I went from feeling that I had a handle on the school year to feeling as if I was totally unprepared and inadequate to do my job. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to act like I can do everything on my own. I put on the mask of “I got this under control” and fake it till I make it. However, something that I have to continue to realize that the best attitude sometimes is to just admit that I can’t do everything on my own.

Just as I can’t save myself and I desperately need Jesus to do that for me, I desperately need other people. I need to let the people who love me inside and let them know what is going on. I need to ask for help and be willing to be seen as weak and vulnerable.

This is a broken record in my life. I am believing in my own abilities, and the truth is that I am not capable of anything without Christ. I do nothing on my own and I shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

Maybe this is confusing and I am sure it looks different for everyone. But would you pray with me that I wouldn’t put the mask on but be willing to ask for help and truly cast my cares upon the Lord instead of trying to spend the energy trying to take care of them myself.