Category: longing

It isn’t over yet…

On By LarissaNapolitanIn faith, God's plan, hope, journey, longing, new things, truth, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Here I am at the start of another year, another decade, and taking stock of all that God has done.  This was written last spring, when I didn’t know what the rest of 2019 held.  However, it all still holds up as truth, for my every day. 

I am so uncomfortable with mystery, to not have an answer to the question of what’s next.  I don’t know what to do with loose ends. Because the reality is that my story is not a Hallmark movie.  There isn’t a neat tidy ending that all makes sense right now.  

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Photo by Pawel Franke on Unsplash

I don’t know the end.  I don’t know how God is going to wrap up this tale of the last 6 months of my life. I don’t know what he is going to do with these loose ends…the parts that are still floating out there looking for a landing zone.

Honestly, I told Him that I don’t get it.  Why would he lead me to this spot and not actually let there be the ending that made sense.  I write this on a day when it doesn’t make sense. There are still unanswered questions and parts of mystery.

Today is not the end, though.  It isn’t the final day, there isn’t a deadline to my story.  I long for there to be a time when it all makes sense, the waiting is over and I get my answers to the questions that have been lingering.  

I want to be able to have the answer for people when they ask about what’s next for me.  I want to know the path that is up ahead. There is assurance in that. Assurance in the plan, the next step…but is that actually faith?

Faith comes not by seeing what is next but in trusting in the one that designed, planned for the next step.  It feels cliche to say it, that God knows what’s next, and if I trust him, I don’t have to know.

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Photo by Matt Power on Unsplash

When the waiting is prolonged, when the mystery feels like it lasts forever. When everything feels shaking and falling apart, when you are used to having the answers, to be the strong and steady person with a plan.  When others look to you to have a plan, or when there is no one else in your life to have a plan, it’s just you, not knowing is scary. It is unsettling. 

God leads us there, to that spot that makes us feel unsettled.  We can’t get too comfortable in this world, too assured at what’s next, trusting in ourselves and our lives.  That isn’t faith.  Sometimes God leads us to the unknown, to trust in the One that is known. To increase our faith, to expand our trust in Him. 

The irony of all this, is that I prayed that God would increase my trust in him.  I prayed that he would help me trust him more. And now, here I am 6 months later, still in a spot where I have no choice but to trust in Him to work it out.  

And so many days it sucks.  The tears flow easily and the frustrated words are loud in my head and in my car when I am by myself. 

But would I want it any other way. No.

Do I trust anyone else to point me in the direction I should go? No. 

Sitting in the mystery, sitting in the unknown, is the space where God can meet us.  Where we get to experience his comfort, joy, grace, and compassion in more ways that we could know.

I am becoming more aware of the little ways that God encourages me in the middle of a waiting season.  I am becoming more aware of the ways that I run away and hide in my angst, and how much he still accepts me again and again.  I see the places that community surrounds me and encourages me in the middle of a space that I didn’t expect to be.

You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

–Psalm 77:14-20

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Photo by Daniil Silantev on Unsplash

Let us not forget that He is the God that makes the waters tremble.  Even when we feel like we are in the deep water, in the unknown, in the way through the sea, God is not surprised or shocked or afraid.  He is God over the waters.  He is in control, and we can trust him or flail around and exhaust ourselves fighting the sea.

So often, I fight it.  I swim against the way that God wants me to or I am drowning in despair because I can’t do this on my own.

I so desperately and pridefully think I can do it on my own.  How gracious and kind He is to humble me and remind me that I am not alone, and I actually can’t make my way through the sea on my own.  He is with me.

Now 6 months later as I read these words, what I was experiencing then, I am so thankful. So thankful that God continues to bring me to the place to trust Him again and again. So thankful that I kept walking through the waters.

Friends, He, who makes the waters tremble and shake, is with you.  Not because of anything you have done, but because He loves you.

He loves you so much, that he isn’t going to leave you in the waters, but help you through them. Maybe not an immediate rescue, but with a life jacket, a swim partner, or strong current.  To bring you where he wants you to be.

Feet Like Deer

On By LarissaNapolitanIn anchor of hope, doubt, faith, God's plan, longing, Psalm, truth, UncategorizedLeave a comment

There are days when it feels like walking a tightrope.  Lean either direction and we will fall over. Maybe fall over and not get back up.  The tension feels unbearable. We can’t please anyone, we are failing in whatever way possible.

When it feels hard and impossible, when the hill or mountain in front of us feels insurmountable, we come face to face with our own limitations.

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We know that there is no way that we ourselves can accomplish or tackle what we face each day.  It’s daunting to live the human experience, and to do it with any measure of success on our own.  

Whether it is getting that baby to sleep, to go on that date after a heartbreak, to complete that huge project at work, to finish the degree while working full time, or even to fold that laundry on your guest bed.

We are faced with situations in life that we aren’t able to overcome, we just don’t have it in us.  Especially if we try to do it alone.

I don’t know about you but when I get to these moments, I just want rescue.  I want God to make the situation to go away, I want to it to be easier. I get tired of facing the impossible all the time.

Why can’t my 6th hour just stop talking?  Why can’t I just find the one? Why can’t my toddler just obey the first time I ask?  Why can’t my spouse change their mind about this thing? Why can’t I get that promotion?

We would love to have that mountain flattened out into a valley or the issue resolved so that life is just a little easier.  We want the easy way out. 

However, sometimes, God doesn’t crumble that mountain.  He doesn’t vanquish our enemy before the battle. He doesn’t promise the easy life at all.  In fact he tells us that we will have trials. We will face suffering. We will face struggles.  Some as a result of our own sin and some because of the broken world.  

But God does promise to be with us. He does promise his presence and help in the time of need.

For who is God, but the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?—
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless.
He made my feet like the feet of a deer
and set me secure on the heights.
He trains my hands for war,
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have given me the shield of your salvation,
and your right hand supported me,
and your gentleness made me great.
You gave a wide place for my steps under me,
and my feet did not slip. -Psalm 18:31–36 (ESV)

In Psalm 18, it says that he equips us with strength and makes our feet like deer and secures us in the heights.   He doesn’t always take us from the heights of those mountains we are in, but helps us be secure and abilities to navigate the heights.  

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I spent the last 8 months of my life navigating some difficult terrain.  God was leading me out of the job I had for the last 4 years and the district I had been working in for the last 10.  But it didn’t work out the way I had planned. I had a lot of time to question my ability to actually get to where God had for me.  I questioned that this step was the right one to take. I questioned whether I had heard God right.  

And don’t get me wrong, I stumbled, cried in my office a lot, and even wrestled with doubt all the time.  But God didn’t let me go. He kept me in that spot, and he showed up in my friends, my family, and even some middle school students.  

Honestly, I couldn’t understand why didn’t just work out the details quicker.  It would have made a lot of sense, right. 

Now on the other side of things, I see a little bit of what God was doing.  How he was drawing me near to trust him. How he wanted to make sure I knew that it was Him working out the details.  He gave me the space before answering the prayer to move toward him and continue in trust.  

Don’t get me wrong, there is some of the story that just doesn’t seem clear, that I will someday ask God to explain.  

Now, reading this you might think, “well you can write this because it all worked out.” True, my situation looks different than it did 8 months ago, but there are other things in my life that God hasn’t worked out, other ways that my prayers haven’t been answered and longings still unmet.  I think on this side of heaven there will always be those things.

Friends, I write this because I need to be reminded that God hasn’t forgotten me.  So much of the last probably 2-3 years of my life, I felt that way.  I felt forgotten and alone in my situation.  And I there will probably another time in my life that I feel the same way again.  Maybe you feel that, maybe you don’t, but God is moving and working in ways we won’t ever comprehend and we can trust him.

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And that is the sweet spot, walking in trust when the answer or path isn’t clear.  That part of the journey is actually sweeter than the other side.  The times I had no other choice to cry out and ask him to help me through the high places.  Experiencing his presence and work was and still is one of the ways that continues to build my trust in Him.  

 

 

1- Photo by Galen Crout on Unsplash

2- Photo by Scott Carroll on Unsplash

3- Photo by Paul Gilmore on Unsplash

A God Who Sees

On By LarissaNapolitanIn anchor of hope, jesus, longing, Psalm, the gospel, truth, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Sitting in the pew, alone at the evening service, I had come into the weekend tired and worn out.  Looking for a place of rest. Often I attend church not out of obligation but out a need for grounding before the week starts.  This weekend was no different, but it was a special one. Mother’s Day. A day when children make pancakes for a breakfast in bed, where flowers are bought and the unspoken sacrifice of mothers are acknowledged.

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A day of celebration for some, a day of grief for others.

I find myself around mothers a lot.  I know a lot more about breastfeeding and child raising that I ever thought I would as a single woman.  Most of my very best friends have 2-3 children and we often hang out after bedtime or on a weekend morning when they can get away.

In my seat, on this evening, something broke. The emotions were ready at the surface.  And it stemmed from struggling to put into words how much a day like this did to stoke the flame of a life I desire to have. 

We sang these words, that dug deep in my heart and I tried to push them away, “There is a God who sees, just right where you are.”  When I think about the fact that God sees me, the tears flow quickly because in this moment, I feel unseen, I feel forgotten.  

Many times I think I am supposed to just keep going, be thankful for my blessings and keep living.  But I also feel that this ache and longing are just permanent roommates that I will live with forever.  The silent struggle of longing is a constant unwanted friend. 

As I sat in that pew, I tried hard to disguise the tears, slowly wiping my eyes so that no one around me would notice. I tried to hide the sniffles and the hot mess I was slowly becoming. I didn’t want the pity, I didn’t want to explain why in this moment, the pain was bubbling towards the surface.  I didn’t want to be another single girl crying about her lack of a husband and children.

In the pain, it’s lonely.  Especially if we try to hide it.  It’s exhausting to disguise something that hurts.  If you are trying to hide a limp, you sometimes end up hurting everywhere else, because you are compensating for the bad leg. It’s often better to do the things necessary to heal or rest so you don’t injure something else in the process.

In many ways, I am afraid to admit that I really want this thing, motherhood.  Because there have been other things that I have wanted for years and I didn’t get.  Years of wanting something, praying about it, because that is what good church folk do. But this prayer it hasn’t been answered.  This turns into tears of praying that God would take away this dream, that it wouldn’t be on my mind or heart. That I wouldn’t feel so distraught at the turn of every year when nothing has changed.

Then I wonder is it wrong to still want it when the prayer has not been answered?  Even when it is painful to long, to want. Is it wrong to still desire this thing that is in my heart? We often pray that God takes away the pain, takes away the longing. Because it would just be easier if we didn’t want it as much, right?

However, I think if the longing wasn’t there, we would be missing something.  We would be missing what happens between us and God when we long and pray and come before him.  On this side of heaven, we will always be in wanting, longing, for something that this world cannot provide.  

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To be honest, the words that I typed at the beginning of this post were written a year ago. I couldn’t post them. I couldn’t admit that I was in pain because I was still in sitting in a painful longing.  I was in a spot that I couldn’t have imagined 5 years ago. Sharing them now is a little bit easier, because God has revealed himself in my longing and pain. There are still moments that the pain is acute and so overwhelming that I have begged God to take away the longing, the desire for a different life than I lead now.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
And set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord,.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust,
Who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie.

– Psalm 40: 1-4

But He has given me a new song to sing, a new dream in my heart. He has given me glimpses of joy that I would have missed if my life were different.  He has given me a different picture of what motherhood and family looks like. He has surprised me in ways that I didn’t think were possible.

The longer I am on this journey with the Lord, God is gracious to expand my view of him. He isn’t a God that is transactional. We don’t pray, live good lives and he gives us stuff we want.  His desire for us is bigger than that. He wants to be with us, to be near us so much so that our suffering, our longing, our wanting, is all a part of his timing and plan.  It brings us so much closer to his heart. In the moment it can feel cruel and so unloving of God. But He is a father, a heavenly father, desiring for our eternal good more than our momentary fleeting happiness.

What is even better than in the middle of our suffering, pain, and longing, he doesn’t leave us to deal with it on our own.  He is right there beside us, he is with us, to comfort, to love, to care for our aching hearts.

So friends, I don’t know where this lands with you today, whether Mother’s day is a great day, a hard day, or heartbreaking day, but as someone who experiences a wide spectrum of feelings on this day, God sees you.  He sees you right where you are at, he sees your aching heart, your joyous heart, your longing heart, your grieving heart.

Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

Photo by Michael Domanic on Unsplash

Expectancy

On By LarissaNapolitanIn faith, heart, jesus, longing, new year, truth7 Comments

Last year at this time, I unknowingly penned some of the same words I fully intended to process out today.  Today’s sermon actually covered this verse this morning as I sat in the pew, teary eyed trying not to let my sniffles be audibly heard by my friends besides me.

Colossians 1:17- “And in him all things hold together.”

Leaning hard into that verse, it almost hurts to think about all that 2017 was and did in my heart.  In many ways it was joyous and full of wonderful memories of fun, friends and family.  Good, wonderful moments.  Places visited, people met, and times of rejoicing.  But also….times of suffering and heartache.

2017 might as well have been the year of silence in many ways, I couldn’t write or share in the same ways I have done in the past, because the words from the Lord felt much closer and personally deeper that I am not sure if I am ready to share or able to.  It is much easier to share when the lesson has been learned and behind you….but in many ways the lessons and sufferings aren’t over yet.

I am in the midst.  I am standing in the muck, the grime of life. I speak from the trenches.  Maybe my trenches look a little different than yours, but it is still the struggle.

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Friends, this is it, right.  This is what living really is.  It isn’t the Instagram pictures, the funny stories shared on Snapchat.  It is the pain behind the eyes.  The screams and curse words no one hears or even the ones closest bear the brunt of.  The silent tears in the car.

  • The breakdown standing in front of a laundry pile.
  • It is being surrounded by people but still feeling the ache of loneliness.
  • It’s those moments in the grocery store when you are trying to decide whether to drown your sorrows in frozen pizza or ice cream.
  • Real life is when someone’s bags are packed ready to leave….and yet still wanting to fight to stay.
  • Or when you have to get up and do it all over again, even though your legs and heart feel like lead.

No one wants to share these moments online, we want to be distracted from them.We want to pretend these are just the moments we skip over to get to the shots of pretty lattes and shoes surrounded by leaves. (Totally saying this as my #bestnineof2017 included several of those shots!)

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This Holiday season, much like the ones before it have left me wanting. I always have expectations, ideas about what this time of year should hold. It should feel like all those Hallmark movies I have been watching.  Snow always flurrying, lights on every house, cookies available at all times.

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Even if it is a little like this, it won’t ever be enough.  It will always leave us wanting more.  Because what we expect from a supposedly happy, joyous season, is actually a satisfaction for deeper longing.  One that is broken open by living in this world. A longing that actually doesn’t have an answer that sounds as good as “Family, Love, and gratitude.”

I was frustrated that I was too busy this year to enjoy all my regular holiday things, like cookie backing, and crafting.  I didn’t drive around to look at lights and have yet to enjoy some hot chocolate.  But someone reminded me that all of those things are great, but it is good that this also be a season of expectancy and longing not just of met expectations.

As someone who is afraid to have expectations to be disappointed in or even crushed hopes for the year to come, expectancy looks much different.

Instead of holding tight to a list of goals, a word, or even some sort of resolution, being expectant means opening your hands, arms, and even heart to an anticipation of seeing what God will do with this blank slate of a year.

“For nothing will be impossible with God.” And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angle departed from her.” -Luke 1:37-38

Oooh, that feels too vulnerable, right?  Right now instead of writing this, I should be deciding on my 2018 word, creating some sort of Instagramable image to share with everyone. Something to give others hope and inspiration.

For me, proclaiming things over my year, makes me think that I am the one steering this thing, it implants this idea in my head that I am the captain of my soul.

Maybe that I have to pick the just right WORD to hold my life together.  A lie that I cling to…..to easily point blame or reason with, when things go wrong or the disappointment is just too real. Or even a word to just forget after January or misplace in the rough terrain for February.

So we our own scapegoat when we don’t meet goals or life fails us in some way.  Or its an ego boost when things are going right.  For our glory or downfall. Holding ourselves responsible for everything. Worshipping our own abilities, talents and gifts.

Right there it is….when we place ourselves in the captain seat of our lives, we are essentially trying to be our own savior, superhero and more.

Isn’t the truth is so, so much better….because Jesus is better. 

“and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.” – Heb. 12:24

He has spoken the better word not only over 2018 but our lives.

The truth that says that we don’t have to be the one steering the ship.  We have someone that has already put themselves in the captain seat, the throne of our hearts and souls.  He came to take over the ship and steer us into eternity.  He holds the responsibility, he took on all the blame so we didn’t have to.  He is the captain that we could never be.

Mary knew that as she said those words “Let it be according to your word.”  She modeled an expectant heart for God to work.  And work he did.

So friends, as you enter into 2018, may your coffee and expectancy to be strong.  And may you see God work in impossible and mighty ways, not just in your lives but more importantly your hearts. 

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photo credit: Tuomo Lindfors Iisalmi via photopin(license)
photo credit: NathalieSt Festive Street via photopin(license)

Held together

On By LarissaNapolitanIn battle, faith, hard things, holidays, hope, jesus, longing, new year, truth, Uncategorized1 Comment

Shattered and Broken. Destroyed and torn apart.

Everything is ending, the pieces are on the floor in front of you. The door just slammed, the call just came, the tears are running down your face.

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Maybe it is a job, a relationship or a family.  Or maybe it is a hope, dream or desire you have held as a pillar in your life for so long.

Whatever it is, you can’t breathe or focus, or seem to move on, it just feels as if you will die under the weight of the shattered pieces of your loss.  You might feel as you can’t continue, you can’t face the world, the others that haven’t been broken, and everything is together for them.

Perhaps you are in hard place of “this time of year” that can be suffocating.  You can’t muster the strength to smile and pretend everything is fine, so you just don’t go to that work party or that event with your friends.  You can’t face them again when your insides feel ripped in two. The happy couple or put together family is a punch to the gut.

My heart has been heavy this year thinking about how this advent season, the season of longing is truly that for many people.  2016 was a hard year for many, filled with heartache and pain and worry.  A year that just didn’t seem to quit. The world seems to be aching in so many ways.  Brokenness, shattered lives, cities literally crushed by hate and war, it is all too much.

We want to look away, we want to run and hide.  It seems too much to handle, to bear, to carry around from day to day. So maybe you ignore or just numb your self to the pain because you just can’t.

If you are anything like me, there might be things that seem impossible to hold together, to balance, to get through.  I look to myself to try to do it for myself, to pick up the pieces, to hold it together until I leave a party before I crumble.

The truth is that we actually don’t have to just power through, keep it in, and stuff it down.  Friends, we don’t have to hold ourselves together.  

We don’t do a very good job anyway, right.  We make a mess of it, like a stain that we try to fix without the stain remover.

The truth is that we have something that holds us together.  Someone, really.

In this season of Advent, of waiting and longing, I have been reminded that what we receive in the birth of Jesus is way through the pain, someone to hold it together for us, to be with us in the suffering.

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” (Colossians 1:15-17 ESV)

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And in Christ, all things hold together.  

The power of that statement, in those moments when all the plates you have been juggling come tumbling down, when you feel at the precipice of destruction, when nothing seems sure, is water for the parched soul.

He came to us, he came to our world and lived the hard life that we are living.  He knows the pain and suffering of living this human life.  He knows. And he is still here.  He doesn’t run from it or hide from us. He stays and is with us. What a beautiful savior we have in Jesus.

Friends, as we wrap up 2016, we don’t have to pretend or posture before God about the state of our lives.  Our lives might be laying there destroyed by our sin or by others.  We might be in the midst of suffering and pain.  Or maybe 2016 was one of your best, but the message is the same.  It isn’t up to us to hold it together. 

We don’t have that power or might, but we have the One that does.

Friends, live in the freedom of not having to hold it together.  Step into the heartache and pain, you won’t be left there, you won’t be alone in it and it isn’t up to you to make it better. Praise Him.

photo credit: Shattered dove via photopin (license)

The Problem We Can’t Fix

On By LarissaNapolitanIn longing, truth, waiting1 Comment
photo credit: Dutch sceneries (Winter edition) The long stretch via photopin (license)

It isn’t the answer, it isn’t the fix for the problem.  The baby, the boyfriend, the success, the promotion, the accolades, your grown children’s lives.  It isn’t what will make everything better.  Maybe for a brief moment.  But not really for the long haul.

In discussions with friends in longing, in waiting, in pain, wanting something to happen, wanting God to change the situation, I hear the whisper, “The answer you want isn’t the answer you need.”
Those things that we want aren’t the solution.  I know it, to the depths of my soul, I know it.  I know that those things that we expect, hope for, wait for, and want so badly,  the circumstances we want to change, aren’t what we need at all.
God knows this.  It isn’t like he is an angry parent, holding out on us just to punish us.  He is the opposite.  He is the loving father who is going to give us exactly what we need when we need it.  
He knows our hearts long for things, for good things.  For things that we place in a higher priority than him.  But sometimes that is why he doesn’t give them to us.  That is why we wait.  I like to think that all knowing God, has more of an understanding of what I need than I do. 
More than anything else, he longs for us to depend on him first.  To look to him for the solution, for the supply of our every need.  More than we long for the kid, the house, the relationship, he longs for us to put everything we have in him, to place all our bets on him, and go all in.  
He longs for us to depend fully on him, to look to him before all else.
Not to say this always looks like this in people’s lives, sometimes our prayers aren’t answered because we live in a broken and fallen world. But often he keeps us in waiting, so that we know what we are actually waiting for.  
I see it in Abraham and Sarah, Joseph, Moses, and all over the Psalms. You see it in so many stories in the bible, and the bible as a whole. The waiting and the longing for a fulfill promise, waiting for Christ to come.
And in this time of year we feel it more, don’t we, the longing, the waiting. This season highlights the unanswered prayers, the hurts, the longings in our souls. 
Sure, a change in circumstances might ease the longing for a while.  It might seem like everything has lined up, but that feeling of discontentment will come back, the longing for the child might be replaced with something else.
Ultimately, it means that I can certainly place my identity in my circumstances, but my circumstances will change and then my identity will be shaken.  I need to place my identity in something that will not change, that is the same then, now and forever.
So, I am not waiting in this season of singleness, so that I learn how to be a good wife, or get my crap together, but because He longs for me to depend on Him, to throw myself in Him.  So that I won’t confuse the answer to my prayers, so that I will know that it is him that answers and not I as the one in control.
Friends, it is possible that we long for good things, we long for things that God could and will give us eventually.  But in that longing and waiting, that is where the transformation of the heart takes place.  

With or without the answer to your prayers, He will still be the same God and He loves you no more or less.  
More than anything he longs for our hearts to be turned to him.  He longs for our lives.  In his perfect understanding, he knows what takes our hearts and lives from him.  Those things that we want so badly, easily draw our hearts away. 
Friends, I write this because I know.  I know what it looks like to long, and wait, and hope.  I see it in the lives of loved ones, the longing, the waiting, and the hoping that today will be the day that the prayer gets answered. 

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. 
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. 
On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.”
Psalm 62:5-7 ESV

BUT God in his perfect wisdom, will take care of us in that longing, just as he did Abraham, and the Israelites, and many others.  He will give us exactly what we need and exactly the right time.

Longing

On By LarissaNapolitanIn longing, truthLeave a comment

 Several weeks ago, I sat in a church service and heard the words that have been ringing in my heart for a while. 

We long for “Place.”
A rootedness
An identity
A stable life

This has been an echo of my soul for several years.  I felt it as I moved for the 8th time in 10 years.  I felt it as I went to weddings, watched friends buy homes, have babies, and put down roots.  I felt it as I drove 4 hours to a funeral alone. 

I feel it as I move closer and closer to my 30’s and still have no idea of what the next few years hold for me.  With no relationship, not hopes of buying a home or need for permanence, I live life from year to year, lease agreement to lease agreement.  I feel it as I celebrate another round of holidays by alone, and my siblings find their match and plan weddings.

Even as I reach accomplishments and joys such as finishing degrees and celebrating random holidays with friends, I feel that longing.  

This longing in my heart that I want a home, a sanctuary to come to at the end of a long day, a quiet and restful place full of peace and comfort.  This longing for a steady and stable life, something to count on, something or even someone to help me find roots. 

The mistake I make, and probably many others, is thinking that a place like this exists in a person, relationship, or physical building.  I mistake finding a soulmate to find a place to root myself.  (That is a lot of a pressure for one person.)

The other part of that sermon answered all of this.

That which we long for is secured for us in Jesus, the world can NEVER provide this.
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. (John 14:1-3, ESV)

What I long for goes beyond a romantic relationship, a home, putting down roots, a stable and secure job, a direction, or even a community of friends.  What I long for is a place to put down my anchor.  This can only, only be found in the person of Jesus Christ.  If I try anywhere else, I will continue to live in this unsatisfied state, which is becoming more and more restless and anxiety driven.

Maybe you find yourself in this exact same spot or have been there…where you find yourself trying to throw your anchor? How is that working for you?