It isn’t over yet…

Here I am at the start of another year, another decade, and taking stock of all that God has done.  This was written last spring, when I didn’t know what the rest of 2019 held.  However, it all still holds up as truth, for my every day. 

I am so uncomfortable with mystery, to not have an answer to the question of what’s next.  I don’t know what to do with loose ends. Because the reality is that my story is not a Hallmark movie.  There isn’t a neat tidy ending that all makes sense right now.  

Photo by Pawel Franke on Unsplash

I don’t know the end.  I don’t know how God is going to wrap up this tale of the last 6 months of my life. I don’t know what he is going to do with these loose ends…the parts that are still floating out there looking for a landing zone.

Honestly, I told Him that I don’t get it.  Why would he lead me to this spot and not actually let there be the ending that made sense.  I write this on a day when it doesn’t make sense. There are still unanswered questions and parts of mystery.

Today is not the end, though.  It isn’t the final day, there isn’t a deadline to my story.  I long for there to be a time when it all makes sense, the waiting is over and I get my answers to the questions that have been lingering.  

I want to be able to have the answer for people when they ask about what’s next for me.  I want to know the path that is up ahead. There is assurance in that. Assurance in the plan, the next step…but is that actually faith?

Faith comes not by seeing what is next but in trusting in the one that designed, planned for the next step.  It feels cliche to say it, that God knows what’s next, and if I trust him, I don’t have to know.

Photo by Matt Power on Unsplash

When the waiting is prolonged, when the mystery feels like it lasts forever. When everything feels shaking and falling apart, when you are used to having the answers, to be the strong and steady person with a plan.  When others look to you to have a plan, or when there is no one else in your life to have a plan, it’s just you, not knowing is scary. It is unsettling. 

God leads us there, to that spot that makes us feel unsettled.  We can’t get too comfortable in this world, too assured at what’s next, trusting in ourselves and our lives.  That isn’t faith.  Sometimes God leads us to the unknown, to trust in the One that is known. To increase our faith, to expand our trust in Him. 

The irony of all this, is that I prayed that God would increase my trust in him.  I prayed that he would help me trust him more. And now, here I am 6 months later, still in a spot where I have no choice but to trust in Him to work it out.  

And so many days it sucks.  The tears flow easily and the frustrated words are loud in my head and in my car when I am by myself. 

But would I want it any other way. No.

Do I trust anyone else to point me in the direction I should go? No. 

Sitting in the mystery, sitting in the unknown, is the space where God can meet us.  Where we get to experience his comfort, joy, grace, and compassion in more ways that we could know.

I am becoming more aware of the little ways that God encourages me in the middle of a waiting season.  I am becoming more aware of the ways that I run away and hide in my angst, and how much he still accepts me again and again.  I see the places that community surrounds me and encourages me in the middle of a space that I didn’t expect to be.

You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

–Psalm 77:14-20

Photo by Daniil Silantev on Unsplash

Let us not forget that He is the God that makes the waters tremble.  Even when we feel like we are in the deep water, in the unknown, in the way through the sea, God is not surprised or shocked or afraid.  He is God over the waters.  He is in control, and we can trust him or flail around and exhaust ourselves fighting the sea.

So often, I fight it.  I swim against the way that God wants me to or I am drowning in despair because I can’t do this on my own.

I so desperately and pridefully think I can do it on my own.  How gracious and kind He is to humble me and remind me that I am not alone, and I actually can’t make my way through the sea on my own.  He is with me.

Now 6 months later as I read these words, what I was experiencing then, I am so thankful. So thankful that God continues to bring me to the place to trust Him again and again. So thankful that I kept walking through the waters.

Friends, He, who makes the waters tremble and shake, is with you.  Not because of anything you have done, but because He loves you.

He loves you so much, that he isn’t going to leave you in the waters, but help you through them. Maybe not an immediate rescue, but with a life jacket, a swim partner, or strong current.  To bring you where he wants you to be.

Words of Truth

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  

Sometimes my thoughts spiral out of control….
….and I end up curled in a ball on my bathroom floor freaking out about life.

Sometimes the lies are so loud that I can’t hear the small quiet truths.

That happened this week.

Maybe I am weird but I worry, I am anxious, I am torn up about the should of, could ofs, didn’ts, and didn’t want tos. 

These thoughts paralyze me.  

So much so that I am sitting in my car breaking down because I don’t know what to do next.

One of the blessings that I have in my life is this person…..


She  listens, speaks truth, shoots it straight, doesn’t let me believe the lies, and all the while kicks my butt into shape!

I know that when I see her, she will be in my corner, not to just build my ego or feed into my crap, but she will be in my corner and believe in me when I don’t believe in myself.  I am so much stronger now mentally than I used to be, and I know it, but sometimes I forget.  She reminds me of that.

She reminded me this week that I do not have to be weak anymore, and it has made all the difference.

Sometimes I forget that I am transformed, heart and soul.
(2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. )

It is almost as if, even though I have lost the weight, I am still wearing all my old clothes.  It doesn’t make any sense. 

I am transformed heart, soul, mind and BODY!!  
 I am free to be who I am meant to be.  THAT is the truth I want to listen too!
What are the lies that you are listening too?  Who in your life speaks truth to you and believes in you when you don’t believe in yourself?

Proactive vs. Reactive

Maybe you were or are like me, you spent a lot of time reacting to what was being thrown at you, being drug along the train of life trying to catch up or even watching the train fly by longing for a hand to reach out and pull you up.  Its a rough metaphor, but you get the picture.  I made a choice 2 years ago to join a gym, and made a choice to do something different then I was doing before.

Recently, I had an pretty important anniversary.  I forgot to post about it, but I still wanted to share what sort of difference 2 years can make.

Here are a few pictures to show the difference:

Before and After

My first day of teaching! (3 years ago!)
A year ago in Mexico!
My sister and I after my 2nd Half Marathon                                


Last year I wrote a long post about some of the differences.  Even since last year, I feel like a different person.  

Recognizing 2 years ago, that I needed to make change and I had a problem has forced me to be more proactive with my life rather than reactive. 

Losing weight was like opening a door to realizing the other issues that I need to deal with.  If people ever claim that losing weight is just a physical thing, they probably have never had to.  It is much more emotional and spiritual than anything else. 

I don’t claim to everything under control nor am I perfect at living a healthy lifestyle.  I am continually making mistakes and learning new things.  More than anything, I am learning a lot about myself and being okay with being me, others’ approval or not. (‘Tis a post for another time.)

What I do want to share for anyone that was like me, stuck in a life that I didn’t want and thought impossible to break out of, it is possible.  For me it has been a slow journey, I have taken steps back, I have made bad choices, and given into temptation.  However, what doesn’t change is that I get up the next day and start over or start over the next meal.  It is all about making a choice to be proactive then reactive.

Change isn’t easy, but I don’t think it would be worth it if it was.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  The difficulty of it makes the pay off so much more valuable.

When you realize that your biggest problem isn’t your biggest problem!

I have been working to write this post for a while and it happens that I am posting this on my Birthday! Perhaps I am in a very reflective mood or I feel like it is time to share this.


Do you ever think about your life from the outside looking in? Do you ever think about all the things you had once hoped for and realized that most of them have come true? Do you ever think…“Is this really my life? Is this who I really am and who I really want to be?” These last couple of months have proven to be life changing in so many ways.

Some good, some not so good. Some of my changes aren’t so endearing to people. Perhaps that is what brought this thought process about.

As my body has changed, so has my life, maybe my personality a bit. The things I used to put my identity in and use as a basis of who I was as a person and what my life was going to be, are changing. I am having to figure out who I am apart from the image of who I thought I was.

Thankfully, part of this is realizing how much of my identity was placed wrongly and perhaps that is why I am so shaken/unprepared by these changes.

I used to think that “if I could only lose weight, then my life would be perfect” because I thought that was my biggest problem.

I used that as an excuse for a lot of things.
….for building up walls
….for not letting people in all the way into my life
….for being alone
….for my self-pity.

It seemed like something that was never going to change and I would always be as unhappy as I was inside. I was a good actor, most people didn’t know what was going on in my heart or soul. I was being eaten alive by this unhappiness that seemed like it would never go away. Does that make sense? It might not, because I don’t know how to even explain it sometimes.

As I have lost weight, I see that weight was not my biggest problem. It was actually the tip of the iceberg, the door into what has happened to be a room full of other issues that were covered up by the weight issue. These issues are not going to be solved overnight or by meeting another goal, but it is going to take time. All of these issues stem from my own sin and nothing else.

Now it seems it is very easy for me to try to cover up these issues by new friends, new experiences, new adventures, or work. Or even to resort back to what I used to find comfort in…food.

My biggest problem isn’t my weight or finding comfort in food or people.

I don’t have it figured out…nor do I expect to anytime soon. At the end of the day, I have to be okay with being in process, with being on a journey.

It’s hard, I don’t really want to push the publish button on this one. It seems like I am sharing a bit of my soul. Maybe you can relate.

Where are you at in your journey? Do you relate to this jumble of thoughts that I have just poured on this page?

Thoughtful Tuesday

Like the alliteration I have going here? Yep, just a little cheese is always a good thing. 🙂

Anyways, I am sitting here in my favorite coffee shop (in KC anyways) and I am having all sorts of frustrating thoughts. Since it is summer and I am a teacher, I have lots of time to think. That isn’t always a good thing for a perpetual over thinker anyways. These thoughts sort of go with the idea that I want my life to move forward. I want to magically get to my end goal weight, I want to suddenly arrive at someday, and have all the things that I spend a lot of time dreaming about during my thinking time.

HOWEVER, I make that a big “however” because I know in my heart of hearts, that skipping the process of change isn’t as wonderful as going through the change. As much as I want to be at the end of this chapter in my life, (There is a lot more to my chapter than just weight loss, but I won’t go into that here.) I know that I am supposed to go through this process, this journey, this chapter for a reason. I don’t think I would learn about the hard work it takes to get to the end if I just skipped the hard work, right?

As frustrating as it is to be where I am at in my life, I have to trust that God has me here for a reason. (Sometimes I wish I knew that reason.) However, there is a wonderful magic in not knowing and anticipating figuring out the reason someday.

I think my one of my favorite verses applies here:

Isaiah 55: 8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

What are the things that God is asking you to trust in Him for?