God has a different plan than I do. (#storyofmylife)
God has a different plan than I do. (#storyofmylife)
“I keep thinking, if I could just get back to where I was with God a few years ago. But, I don’t think that is possible. I need to move forward and find a better place to be.”
She said it somewhat off hand in the middle of a conversation about a million other things. However, it struck a chord in my heart.
Most of this year, I have been thinking and perhaps saying the same thing.
If I could just get back down to that weight.
If I could just go back to that point in my relationship with God.
If I could just have those moments with my friends back.
If I could have that group of students back, then maybe I would love teaching again.
I have been trying to solve this mystery all year, getting back to where I was.
I tried using the same tricks, doing the same things, spinning my wheels in a sense.
Her comment though, was actually a break through for me. The moment when I realized that I was very much living in the past, living in the memories and not living in the moment or living for the future.
As I read that verse, it causes me to shake in my boots a little. It is so easy to let fear tell us that the future is something to be afraid of. If we are trusting our Father, our Creator, the one who holds the universe in his hands, we shouldn’t be afraid, right?
Right. We shouldn’t be afraid. We should rejoice and look to the future with hope. We can’t look back and hope to go back to the safe and the comfortable.
Even in the midst of a desert, the wilderness of the unknown, he can and will make a way.
We may not be able to plan it or know exactly what is to come, but we can expect him to act.
I don’t know about you, but that water to my dry and thirsty soul. I want to etch this verse on my soul, so that I am continually reminded that God doesn’t want us to live in fear of his plan, but in joyful anticipation.
I can move forward with hope because I am cared for by the one who loves me the most and knows me the best.
What prevents you from moving forward? Fear? Or something else?
People keep telling me this:
I hate that. It frustrates me. It makes me want to throw something. However, my anger is not at God or at the person saying it to me, but at myself. (If I was angry at God, he could probably take it. I imagine me being angry at God is like throwing rocks into the ocean….not going to hurt it.)
I am angry that I let myself start holding tight to this expectation that was not yet real or had come to fruition. I am angry that I am weak and choose to rely on the words the world and not on God’s Truth.
I am angry that I am so impatient that I let myself get to this point.
I am angry at my little faith that I have in God’s promises. He has good things planned, why can’t I just trust that.
Disappointment might mean that God has something better for me, but right now it doesn’t feel like that. It feels hard and lonely. It feels raw and vulnerable. It is scary and unknown.
Disappointment makes me want to build a fortress around myself, my heart, my life. It makes me want to crawl in a hole, not interact with anyone and be alone. It makes me more afraid.
HOWEVER….I know that, hiding is not the answer. I know that in the end that hiding is not what God wants for me nor is it what I really want either.
What do you do when you are disappointed? What are some ways you come back from it?
My senior year of college, I had a lot of things going on. I was an Resident Assistant, taking a full load of education and theater classes, leading a bible study, and was highly involved in a campus ministry, on top of that was dealing with slight depression. (Okay, now that I type it out, it doesn’t seem like that much compared to now, but at the time it was a lot.)
I have this distinct memory of driving back from a leadership meeting with one of my best friends and now roommate. We were both overwhelmed with life and still unsure of what our futures held. We had senioritis but were no where near close to then end college. We had to make decisions regarding the next year, but didn’t know what to do first.
Then this song came on and it became our anthem for the year.
Like the alliteration I have going here? Yep, just a little cheese is always a good thing. 🙂
Anyways, I am sitting here in my favorite coffee shop (in KC anyways) and I am having all sorts of frustrating thoughts. Since it is summer and I am a teacher, I have lots of time to think. That isn’t always a good thing for a perpetual over thinker anyways. These thoughts sort of go with the idea that I want my life to move forward. I want to magically get to my end goal weight, I want to suddenly arrive at someday, and have all the things that I spend a lot of time dreaming about during my thinking time.
HOWEVER, I make that a big “however” because I know in my heart of hearts, that skipping the process of change isn’t as wonderful as going through the change. As much as I want to be at the end of this chapter in my life, (There is a lot more to my chapter than just weight loss, but I won’t go into that here.) I know that I am supposed to go through this process, this journey, this chapter for a reason. I don’t think I would learn about the hard work it takes to get to the end if I just skipped the hard work, right?
As frustrating as it is to be where I am at in my life, I have to trust that God has me here for a reason. (Sometimes I wish I knew that reason.) However, there is a wonderful magic in not knowing and anticipating figuring out the reason someday.
I think my one of my favorite verses applies here:
Isaiah 55: 8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
What are the things that God is asking you to trust in Him for?