Feet Like Deer

There are days when it feels like walking a tightrope.  Lean either direction and we will fall over. Maybe fall over and not get back up.  The tension feels unbearable. We can’t please anyone, we are failing in whatever way possible.

When it feels hard and impossible, when the hill or mountain in front of us feels insurmountable, we come face to face with our own limitations.

galen-crout-fItRJ7AHak8-unsplash

We know that there is no way that we ourselves can accomplish or tackle what we face each day.  It’s daunting to live the human experience, and to do it with any measure of success on our own.  

Whether it is getting that baby to sleep, to go on that date after a heartbreak, to complete that huge project at work, to finish the degree while working full time, or even to fold that laundry on your guest bed.

We are faced with situations in life that we aren’t able to overcome, we just don’t have it in us.  Especially if we try to do it alone.

I don’t know about you but when I get to these moments, I just want rescue.  I want God to make the situation to go away, I want to it to be easier. I get tired of facing the impossible all the time.

Why can’t my 6th hour just stop talking?  Why can’t I just find the one? Why can’t my toddler just obey the first time I ask?  Why can’t my spouse change their mind about this thing? Why can’t I get that promotion?

We would love to have that mountain flattened out into a valley or the issue resolved so that life is just a little easier.  We want the easy way out. 

However, sometimes, God doesn’t crumble that mountain.  He doesn’t vanquish our enemy before the battle. He doesn’t promise the easy life at all.  In fact he tells us that we will have trials. We will face suffering. We will face struggles.  Some as a result of our own sin and some because of the broken world.  

But God does promise to be with us. He does promise his presence and help in the time of need.

For who is God, but the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?—
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless.
He made my feet like the feet of a deer
and set me secure on the heights.
He trains my hands for war,
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have given me the shield of your salvation,
and your right hand supported me,
and your gentleness made me great.
You gave a wide place for my steps under me,
and my feet did not slip. -Psalm 18:31–36 (ESV)

In Psalm 18, it says that he equips us with strength and makes our feet like deer and secures us in the heights.   He doesn’t always take us from the heights of those mountains we are in, but helps us be secure and abilities to navigate the heights.  

scott-carroll-favQn8WgRyk-unsplash

I spent the last 8 months of my life navigating some difficult terrain.  God was leading me out of the job I had for the last 4 years and the district I had been working in for the last 10.  But it didn’t work out the way I had planned. I had a lot of time to question my ability to actually get to where God had for me.  I questioned that this step was the right one to take. I questioned whether I had heard God right.  

And don’t get me wrong, I stumbled, cried in my office a lot, and even wrestled with doubt all the time.  But God didn’t let me go. He kept me in that spot, and he showed up in my friends, my family, and even some middle school students.  

Honestly, I couldn’t understand why didn’t just work out the details quicker.  It would have made a lot of sense, right. 

Now on the other side of things, I see a little bit of what God was doing.  How he was drawing me near to trust him. How he wanted to make sure I knew that it was Him working out the details.  He gave me the space before answering the prayer to move toward him and continue in trust.  

Don’t get me wrong, there is some of the story that just doesn’t seem clear, that I will someday ask God to explain.  

Now, reading this you might think, “well you can write this because it all worked out.” True, my situation looks different than it did 8 months ago, but there are other things in my life that God hasn’t worked out, other ways that my prayers haven’t been answered and longings still unmet.  I think on this side of heaven there will always be those things.

Friends, I write this because I need to be reminded that God hasn’t forgotten me.  So much of the last probably 2-3 years of my life, I felt that way.  I felt forgotten and alone in my situation.  And I there will probably another time in my life that I feel the same way again.  Maybe you feel that, maybe you don’t, but God is moving and working in ways we won’t ever comprehend and we can trust him.

paul-gilmore-U8MMsGmFAAU-unsplash

And that is the sweet spot, walking in trust when the answer or path isn’t clear.  That part of the journey is actually sweeter than the other side.  The times I had no other choice to cry out and ask him to help me through the high places.  Experiencing his presence and work was and still is one of the ways that continues to build my trust in Him.  

 

 

1- Photo by Galen Crout on Unsplash

2- Photo by Scott Carroll on Unsplash

3- Photo by Paul Gilmore on Unsplash

Far from perfect blog post

This is the least perfect thing I will write.  It maybe won’t make sense to you, or have errors.  Or it might even be completely out there.  You might even think it is terrible and close your browser after the first paragraph.  That is fine.  I am not offended.  (Maybe I secretly am, but that is the beauty of the internet right, I don’t have to sit next to you, while you read something I wrote.)

Confession: I am a perfectionist.  

Sometimes in the most unhealthy way.  It usually manifests itself in fear and anxiety and inaction.  There are many things I stop doing because I know they won’t be perfect.  I don’t move or act on a desire or idea because I know it won’t turn out perfect.  

So why even try? What is the point?

I long to put these thoughts and ideas on paper.  God is working in my heart in crazy ways and I don’t know how to process without writing.  But I am trapped by fear.  



I don’t want to misrepresent myself.
I don’t want to others to misunderstand.  
I want to be clear.  
I want what I have to say to be just right.
I want to be well thought of….applauded for my righteousness.

Except, because I am messy, and broken and an so far from perfect, anything I write, won’t be perfect.

And that’s okay. Or I would like to fully believe that it will be okay. (Probably don’t yet.)

Perhaps you are like me,  paralyzed by fear, disappointment, unbelief and doubt.  

As a Christian, all of those things seem like completely opposite of what my life is supposed to be about.

Except it isn’t. 

Those are all realities that we will face in this life on earth.  James even talks that it isn’t without purpose.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4 ESV)


James is crazy, right?! I don’t know how anyone that finds joy in hard things…..or trials.  Those that are experience harder things than I, most likely wouldn’t use the word joy to describe their lives.  Hard things suck.  Trials suck.  Brokenness sucks. I don’t want those things. 


So why do I think that I am above those realities, those hard things, those trials, because those produce the thing that I want most, being made perfect? Why do I think I shouldn’t experience those things?  Probably pride, and a myriad of other issues.  (All of which are under examination.)

I am not a perfect believer.
I am not a perfect teacher.
I am not a perfect roommate, friend, or sibling.
I am not a perfect woman, or future spouse. 
I am not the perfect runner or healthy eater.
I am not the perfect single.

I am far from all of perfection in so many areas.  And I have to stop thinking of perfection as the pinnacle that I will never reach and sit in a muck of self-pity.

So why do I write about this?  

Other than being a verbal processor and needing to get the words out of my head.  I write because I need to declare to myself the reality that I am already free from the trap of perfectionism.  

He has already made me free, he has loosened the bonds.  Even further he knows my imperfections, in and out, to the depths of my soul.  And loves me still.

He knows we are not perfect.  He loves us still.
 (That’s even harder for me to fathom on most days.)


Friends, the part that strikes me to the core is that even in the midst of my messiness and failures God has not given up on me.  God has NOT looked at my messy, confusing, imperfect life and walked the other direction.  He remains with me, in the mess and gunk and promises to continue to work with me.

I pray and claim that I want God to rule and work in my life, but I don’t think I am prepared for what that means.  So if I want God to transform my heart and soul, I better be ready to shed the shackles of “Perfect” and be ready to be messy.  


Do you struggle with perfectionism?  What are truths that you cling to when the bonds seem real?  Do you struggle to believe that God loves every part of us?  Share with me in the comments.  I could use the encouragement.