“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant<sup class="footnote" value="[b]”>[b] of Christ.” Gal. 1:10
Don’t get me wrong, I am all about helping and serving other people. I am a teacher, I live my life to serve and love my students. I want to love and serve my community as well. I want to be a good person.
However, somewhere along the line in the last year, things shifted in my brain.
See, I started on this journey to change my physical body, discovered it was just as much about my soul and lots of things changed. My self-view changed. I had more confidence and joy. I enjoyed meeting people because I was confident and comfortable in my own skin. I saw myself more than the in the background person. I began to shine, enjoy life and was excited about the future.
But something happened…….
I tried to ignore it and cover it up. I went back to living my life to please other people, seek satisfaction in what they thought of me, in whether I was doing it right. Even living healthy and running became about other people and competition.
It was an exhausting year. I fought to keep my head above water and still have hard days. Slowly, the fog is beginning to lift as I take one more step toward the only ONE who can satisfy, who is already please with me, and rejoices in me big or small.
As I ran this morning, I began to think about my beginning motivations for losing weight and living healthy. It was first because I was tired of living in the impossible. It was about proving to my 7th grade self that I could do what I never thought possible.
This last year it became about proving to other people I could do it, it became about reaching goals others set for me, it became about becoming skinny enough to get a date (I know totally lie, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a motivation.) Somewhere in the midst of busyness and stress, I let my motivations begin and end with other people.
Not that things will change overnight, they didn’t the first time, but it only takes a moment to make up your mind.
Why is it that we make things about other people and what they think? Why do we want to prove to other people that we can do it and not fail?
You see, I think, we want approval, we are born with that need. However, we misplace it in people. People cannot give us what we ultimately need. They cannot give us the everlasting approval.
Until I can get it through my thick skull and deep into my heart that He has already called me worthy and already approved of me, that I don’t have to go after it in other people. When I fully understand that, the disappointments, the stress and the hard things in life, will not derail me.
With that, I have made up my mind that my journey will not be about other people. I will do this for myself. All those miles I run will be fore me, all the sweat will be for me, all those crunches will be for me.
Who are you living for? Whose approval are you looking for? What does it take for you to change that?
People keep telling me this:
I hate that. It frustrates me. It makes me want to throw something. However, my anger is not at God or at the person saying it to me, but at myself. (If I was angry at God, he could probably take it. I imagine me being angry at God is like throwing rocks into the ocean….not going to hurt it.)
I am angry that I let myself start holding tight to this expectation that was not yet real or had come to fruition. I am angry that I am weak and choose to rely on the words the world and not on God’s Truth.
I am angry that I am so impatient that I let myself get to this point.
I am angry at my little faith that I have in God’s promises. He has good things planned, why can’t I just trust that.
Disappointment might mean that God has something better for me, but right now it doesn’t feel like that. It feels hard and lonely. It feels raw and vulnerable. It is scary and unknown.
Disappointment makes me want to build a fortress around myself, my heart, my life. It makes me want to crawl in a hole, not interact with anyone and be alone. It makes me more afraid.
HOWEVER….I know that, hiding is not the answer. I know that in the end that hiding is not what God wants for me nor is it what I really want either.
What do you do when you are disappointed? What are some ways you come back from it?