Not on my own

I have been thinking about this post for a while.  I haven’t written in a while, and feel the need to post something. I want to post something super positive and uplifting, but I also am not one to hide or be inauthentic.  Maybe I will figure out what I am writing by the end of this post.

So here it is….

Life is hard right now.  Sure it is easy to look on the outside of my life and consider that I have it made.  I am a single woman, working and living in a fabulous city.  I live in a vibrant neighborhood surrounded by my community and friends.  I have a steady job and am never bored. I am seem busy, but considering I am a grad student and working full time, it makes sense.

However, what you don’t see is this gripping anxiety that I have been dealing with for the last 6 months.  Perhaps we could call it a quarter life crisis or a life transition.  However, it doesn’t diminish the fact that I have had moments of overwhelming worry and anxiety that I have messed my life up in irreparable ways.

Heavy….right?

It is.

However, as I am slowly coming out of a fog that I have been somewhat living in, I am seeing things more clearly.  This anxiety, as crippling as it is, doesn’t have to be apart of my life.

Let me get super-spiritual on you, it all stems from the fact that I AM NOT TRUSTING GOD.

Me, someone who has professed faith for many years and believes in the gospel of Jesus.  Someone who leads and preaches truth to others, am having a hard time trusting in the God that I believe in.

In my pride and vanity, I hide this anxiety from other people.  I keep my panic attacks to bathroom stalls, my closet, and under my covers.  However, because currently my attempts in talking myself out of it are insufficient and half-hearted, I have to let others in.

I have let my community do what it is supposed to do and help me.  I also have to stop trying to fix myself.  (Even as I type that, I am coming to a fresh realization.)

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
(Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV)

I cannot fix myself. I cannot make myself less anxious.  I cannot make myself trust God more. Jesus came because we cannot fix ourselves.  We do not have it in us to do that.

Goodness, I need to hear that everyday.  I cannot do it on my own.  I am utterly incapable of living everyday on my own.  And the good news is that I don’t have to.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Not on my own

  1. I am so touched, in tears actually. First of all the verse you quoted was a favorite of your Grandmother Spare's. She so keenly knew she could not do it on her own, how cool that you are living out that truth, also. That is a spiritual heritage. It makes me think of how often people would ask how did you raise six children and many times I would say,”I have not clue”, really I was saying “not on my own”!!!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s