In January I wrote about wearing heels to work and the sort of response I got. I was not prepared for the response or the way it made me feel. (I am still processing that experience.)
There is this tension I lived with being an extrovert and a theater person and being overweight and ashamed of my looks. I longed to be noticed and seen, but at the same time I didn’t want to be seen. I wanted the spotlight, but at the same time I just wanted to be in the background. People always assumed because I was the theater person, I would love to act and be on stage. Don’t get me wrong, I could if I was forced to and I could fake it with the best of them. But it was something that I struggled with, and I still do.
In the past, I was always afraid of wearing things that would make me stick out. I felt like I stuck out anyways, being overweight and tall. I walked with my shoulders slumped and panicked if anyone really noticed me. I hid behind baggy clothes and large scarves. I longed to wear bright colors and cute dresses. I wanted to wear heels and not feel weird. I wanted to be that woman to walk into a room with confidence and be striking at the same time. Did I know what I was wishing for….heck no?
So this last 6 months, I panicked because I am not completely comfortable in my new body nor do I fully realize what I look like. I still look in the mirror and see 12 year old me with chubby cheeks and big hips. I was excited because this feeling, this experience was something that I never thought possible. I thought I was destined to be the chubby best friend, the jolly aunt. I never thought….I mean never thought it was possible to change. I thought I was going to forever be stuck in a body that forced me into the background and made me think I didn’t deserve happiness.
Right now, happiness comes in the form of amazing clothes!! Recently, I have made several purchases that excite me. I decided to take the risk and buy clothes that I love even if it means standing out a little.
The first is this dress:
I was excited because it has an old movie star feel to it, but it also has beautiful detail and makes me feel very feminine and beautiful. I haven’t worn it yet because I am waiting for the perfect day. (I plan on wearing this in Australia….oh I haven’t told you about that yet! For another day!)
The second is this jacket:
|I mean….I was pretty pleased with the look!|
I found it on a clearance rack in Gap and I just tried it on for the heck of it. I had no idea what I would wear it with and it is a little big, but I love it because it goes with a lot things. You can dress it up or down and it pops! (Plus, I read somewhere that the color red draws the eye! Doesn’t hurt when trying to meet new people/guys!)
What outfit or purchase are you afraid to buy or are excited about? Have you found something amazing on a clearance rack?