In January I wrote about wearing heels to work and the sort of response I got.  I was not prepared for the response or the way it made me feel. (I am still processing that experience.)

There is this tension I lived with being an extrovert and a theater person and being overweight and ashamed of my looks.  I longed to be noticed and seen, but at the same time I didn’t want to be seen. I wanted the spotlight, but at the same time I just wanted to be in the background.  People always assumed because I was the theater person, I would love to act and be on stage.  Don’t get me wrong, I could if I was forced to and I could fake it with the best of them.  But it was something that I struggled with, and I still do.

In the past, I was always afraid of wearing things that would make me stick out.  I felt like I stuck out anyways, being overweight and tall.  I walked with my shoulders slumped and panicked if anyone really noticed me.  I hid behind baggy clothes and large scarves.  I longed to wear bright colors and cute dresses.  I wanted to wear heels and not feel weird.  I wanted to be that woman to walk into a room with confidence and be striking at the same time.  Did I know what I was wishing for….heck no? 

So this last 6 months, I panicked because I am not completely comfortable in my new body nor do I fully realize what I look like.  I still look in the mirror and see 12 year old me with chubby cheeks and big hips.  I was excited because this feeling, this experience was something that I never thought possible.  I thought I was destined to be the chubby best friend, the jolly aunt.  I never thought….I mean never thought it was possible to change.  I thought I was going to forever be stuck in a body that forced me into the background and made me think I didn’t deserve happiness.

Right now, happiness comes in the form of amazing clothes!!  Recently, I have made several purchases that excite me.  I decided to take the risk and buy clothes that I love even if it means standing out a little.

The first is this dress:

I was excited because it has an old movie star feel to it, but it also has beautiful detail and makes me feel very feminine and beautiful.  I haven’t worn it yet because I am waiting for the perfect day.  (I plan on wearing this in Australia….oh I haven’t told you about that yet! For another day!)

The second is this jacket:

I mean….I was pretty pleased with the look!

I found it on a clearance rack in Gap and I just tried it on for the heck of it.  I had no idea what I would wear it with and it is a little big, but I love it because it goes with a lot things.  You can dress it up or down and it pops! (Plus, I read somewhere that the color red draws the eye! Doesn’t hurt when trying to meet new people/guys!)

What outfit or purchase are you afraid to buy or are excited about?  Have you found something amazing on a clearance rack?