I have been working to write this post for a while and it happens that I am posting this on my Birthday! Perhaps I am in a very reflective mood or I feel like it is time to share this.
Do you ever think about your life from the outside looking in? Do you ever think about all the things you had once hoped for and realized that most of them have come true? Do you ever think…“Is this really my life? Is this who I really am and who I really want to be?” These last couple of months have proven to be life changing in so many ways.
Some good, some not so good. Some of my changes aren’t so endearing to people. Perhaps that is what brought this thought process about.
As my body has changed, so has my life, maybe my personality a bit. The things I used to put my identity in and use as a basis of who I was as a person and what my life was going to be, are changing. I am having to figure out who I am apart from the image of who I thought I was.
Thankfully, part of this is realizing how much of my identity was placed wrongly and perhaps that is why I am so shaken/unprepared by these changes.
I used to think that “if I could only lose weight, then my life would be perfect” because I thought that was my biggest problem.
I used that as an excuse for a lot of things.
….for building up walls
….for not letting people in all the way into my life
….for being alone
….for my self-pity.
It seemed like something that was never going to change and I would always be as unhappy as I was inside. I was a good actor, most people didn’t know what was going on in my heart or soul. I was being eaten alive by this unhappiness that seemed like it would never go away. Does that make sense? It might not, because I don’t know how to even explain it sometimes.
As I have lost weight, I see that weight was not my biggest problem. It was actually the tip of the iceberg, the door into what has happened to be a room full of other issues that were covered up by the weight issue. These issues are not going to be solved overnight or by meeting another goal, but it is going to take time. All of these issues stem from my own sin and nothing else.
Now it seems it is very easy for me to try to cover up these issues by new friends, new experiences, new adventures, or work. Or even to resort back to what I used to find comfort in…food.
My biggest problem isn’t my weight or finding comfort in food or people.
I don’t have it figured out…nor do I expect to anytime soon. At the end of the day, I have to be okay with being in process, with being on a journey.
It’s hard, I don’t really want to push the publish button on this one. It seems like I am sharing a bit of my soul. Maybe you can relate.
Where are you at in your journey? Do you relate to this jumble of thoughts that I have just poured on this page?