I have been avoiding posting this all day, because today I feel like somewhat of a failure. I went to a musical show last night with my roommate and her sister. And because my eating schedule is totally off, I ate lunch at like 4 in the afternoon. ( I know…can we say lazy!!)
We left the house at 6:15…I left with a banana. Yep, the show is like 2 hours long and didn’t start till 8. I should have been more prepared. I was really hungry by 7. And I gave in…..I bought some popcorn after sampling it from my roommate’s sister. (I am also a totally moocher, I don’t think the calories count if it is off somebody else plate.)
The bag of popcorn was kettle corn, it was addictive. And loaded with fat and sugar. It was a big bag….had to be a pound of at least. Yep, I ate 2/3 of it. And then I finally threw the rest away. I was almost sick with as much as I ate of it. I had the munchies and I was hungry….not a good combination. (And let’s not even talk about how overpriced it was either.)
I do this sometimes, I overeat something and I get really disappointed in myself, thinking that “I should know better than this after a year of changing my life.” I have extremely high expectations for myself, that when I fail, I tend to be really hard on myself. And perhaps that is why I was 24 years old and 255lbs. I would continually fail, and just figure there was no reason in starting over, I was already there. I was paralyzed into doing nothing about my mistakes or failures.
However…what I have learned in the last year is that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow, I can try again with eating well. I can try to be self-controlled and diligent about what I put in my mouth.
As I think type this out and I think….wow….this translates in every area of my life right now. Spiritually, emotionally, professionally. I struggle with high expectations in every area and sometimes I have to allow myself to experience God’s grace that fills the gap when I mess up, and that I don’t have to continue to try to save myself. (Who do I think I am that I can do that anyways?) Professionally, when I have a horrible day when I feel like I didn’t teach them anything, I have to remember that the next day is a new day and who knows where those preteen’s emotions are going to be.
Am I alone in this thinking? Or do you also struggle with holding the previous days mistakes against yourself? So much so that it prevents you from changing or moving forward?
Anchor of my Soul 
Ok, I just stumbled on your blog last week… a friend of a friend, I think. And I am a teacher, too, so that's why I started reading.
But I have to answer your question. Yes, I totally do that. I have very high expectations and paralyze myself from action. It is also a huge thing for me.
I read a great book last summer: _Addiction and Grace_… you might like it. I think I should read it again.
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Thanks for the book recommendation, Andrea. I am glad that I am not alone in having high expectations and how they can be very paralyzing!
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hey Larissa — thanks for sharing. I totally agree with your thoughts. It puts it in to perspective that WE aren't the ones who achieve anything. Only God can create change in our lives. YOU will never be able to achieve what you want. I have a similar thing with wanting to always have my stuff together (be ready for anything, know what's going on, etc…) and then if I don't I can't handle myself. I have to rely on God for my identity.
thinking of you for tomorrow!
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Sure, that is hard. I find it is much harder to use the little victories to pump myself up than it is to use little failures to tear myself down. In every area of my life. Regardless of whether or not I have set reasonable expectations. I'm trying to learn to remind myself that this is so I will always turn back to God. The old tapes are just so much easier to play, though, aren't they?
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