Lately, I have been having lots of ups and downs as I let myself be led by my emotions. I am doing a lot of thinking and processing about what it means to live with balanced emotions and to be resting in the Lord on a daily basis. So much of the time I feel balanced because of the middle schoolers I am around on a daily basis. Their emotions go up and down like a heart monitor. But I know that I don’t want to live a life like that. I want to live with permeating joy that is contagious and unmovable by the daily trials of life.
A couple of days later….
I am struck by what I wrote the other day about living by the permeating joy. This week has been a trial. I have had to deal with issues with my car, my heart and my trust in the Lord. I encountered a trial last night and I was horrified by reaction to it. I freaked out, I cried, I didn’t trust. I was humbled hardcore and I was struck by my sin in regards to my trial. I have been trusting in earthly things to guide my daily life, I have been trusting in perishable things to be a foundation or a safety net. I didn’t really see how much until recently. Given the fact that I had written early about living with a joy that is unshakable…clearly I am not there yet.
Even more so, after my failure and my freakout, I was unable to forgive myself, I still am struggling with that. Even though I know that God has already forgiven me, in fact he probably forgave me before it even happened, I am horrified by my own failure and even more my own disappointed expectation in myself. I got knocked down from a very prideful position and I am barely grasping why I was even there in the first place.
I can see a lot of metaphors in this event and how much that God wants to teach me. I can barely begin to process it all. But I know that even though in this instance I still want to live in that permeating joy. Thankfully, God has given me another chance…he is a God of neverending grace. Perhaps, equally with the joy, I want to live in light of that grace so that in those moments of trials, I will more easily accept that grace.