This week was only four days, even though it seem longer, and I seemed more tired at the end of it. It seemed more of a battle to get my students to pay attention and to learn something. Some days I don’t even know if they do.
But what I do know is that Thursday was a good day. I felt as if we had accomplished something that day in class. I left school feeling excited about my students. It went in the good bucket as a dear friend would say. I think you have to grasp onto those days and use them as fuel to get to the next one.
Maybe I am idealistic, maybe I am just a fresh teacher who hasn’t hit the wall of reality. But is it wrong to hope for better in my classroom, is it wrong to want be better everyday for my students, because I know that they deserve the best possible teaching everyday. And the minute I think they don’t is the minute I begin to fail them.
Perhaps, my perfectionist personality is a bit much for teaching, because I do fail everyday, I do fail in lots of little ways, in my disorganization, in my chaotic thoughts and questions for them. The pressure that I put on myself gets to me some days, and I want to sit at my desk and let out all the tears, but it isn’t just tears of failure, but tears for my students, for their futures, for the pasts, for their present circumstances.
I know that it isn’t just me putting pressure on myself, I feel a sense that everyone around me expects a lot of me, and I don’t want to let them down. I guess there are three things coming out in full force from personality, perfectionism, high expectations of myself, and people pleasing. And being an over achiever.
I think I see that more in myself since teaching students that have that in them to. I see it every time they raise their eager hands and proudly tell me the right answer or sometimes the wrong answer, but they do it confidently.
Those are the good moments, that make me want to laugh out loud, but I refrain. Those are the moments that I put in the treasure chest to remember when things get hard.
Sorry for the disjointed thoughts.